A Workout Plan for us Wimpy Regular People

“Life is pain, highness.  Anyone who says differently is selling something.” -The Princess Bride

Bicycle 205 bridge bikepath exercise work-outI once mentioned that my conscience named Bob looks like Mr Miyagi and my resistance devil is a hotty named Jasmine.  I also have an angel named Chief Bill.  He’s like those guys on the seals training show on the military channel, all grizzled like Tom Sizemore.  A mustache worthy of Foxworthy, a camo hat, and black and yellow lycra shorts, but he gets away with it, because if you mock him he’ll pound your face.

When I ride my bike up a long hill and want to wuss out, because I’m so tired, Jasmine bats her eyes, “Joshy, you can just walk your bike up the hill on the bikepath, it’s okay.  It doesn’t really matter what the other bikers think.  You don’t want to hurt your sexy knees.”  But then suddenly Chief Bill’s head appears in a white cloud bubble and screams an inch to my ear, “YOU CALL YOURSELF A BICYCLIST AND YOU’RE GIVING UP NOW?!  MAN UP!  ATTACK THAT HILL!”  And so with Pantera or the Rocky Soundtrack (The first one with the trumpet intro) blasting in my earbuds I somehow huff and puff my way up.  Yay.  (Jedi bike trick: on a tough uphill, tense your abs and grip the handlebars like your life depended on it.  Try it, it works!)

You see those advertisements all over the place with guys with their shirts off and over-muscled girls wearing hardly anything.  “Start a program and get awesome abs in 90 days!”, “Buy this giant mechanical gizmo and look like Arnold Swarzennagar!”, etc.

What if they showed an overweight person huffing and puffing with a slogan like, “Agonize every day over the long haul!”  For some reason us regular people who aren’t marines or seals like the easy route.

There’s so many of these workout plans that pump you up and act like you gotta spend your entire life devoted to pumping iron or running or whatever it is.  If someone is a professional athlete, that’s one thing.  But some people have other things going on.  Trouble is they make that an excuse to not work out all.  And so as a normal, non-athletic person I thought I’d share some ideas that would help other normal non-athletic people.

For one thing you don’t need expensive equipment.  There’s no quick fix and no amount of equipment will change lethargy.  Turn off the paid programming and go run around the block.  Why not?  Whatever is stopping you now will stop you later when you have that mechanical gizmo.

Weight-benches are good, but because of space issues I had to suffice with pushups, pullups, and dumbbells.  Your gymn can be anywhere.  Potential pullup bars are all over the place if you look.  Can’t do a one-handed pushup?  Start higher on the end of a table.  Where do I learn this stuff?  Definitely not in Men’s Health.  Being the nerd that I am I read a lot.  Google Pavel and you’ll be on your way.

Inspiration is good, but consistency is even better.  What helps me when I’m feeling lazy is bicyling.  I love biking.  It was much easier to get cardio at least three or four times a week.  When I worked at a store a couple miles from my house, I started commuting on bike and saw results.  I was more productive, wasn’t nasty to customers, and even cracked a smile once in a while.  When I sparred in my jedi training class, I wasn’t huffing and puffing near as much.  It wasn’t always easy.  I had to have Chief Bill yell in my ear more than a few times.

Find what you love and do it.  Get a partner, join a class, find other people to help motivate.  The smellier the gymn, the better, you know like the kind you see in boxing movies.  And I’ll share Bob or Chief Bill with anyone else who wants to use them.  They’re kind of annoying sometimes and I could use a break.  As for Jasmine, I’ll keep her to myself.

Oh yeah here’s my scientifically tested jedi eating plan and so as a bonus I’ll share it with you guys:

Vietnamese Sandwiches at Best Baguette.  Just don’t ask what’s in it.

Lots of carrots, because they’re cheap and give you quick eyes for ninja moves.  Stick ’em in the car, or a place where you see them regularly, because they’re boring and you might not eat them otherwise.

Tunafish sandwiches.  Nothing more delicious.  Watch out though, because Jasmine sometimes sneaks potato chips in there.

Peanut butter and honey sandwiches on whole grain.  Lot of nice healthy fat, cheap, easy, and better than donuts.  Both Bob and Chief Bill say it’s okay.

Protein Drinks.  Hmm, should we stick to natural or keep our protein obsession in the quest for buffness?  There’s the real question of the ages.

Voodoo Donuts.  Many, many, many, many, many calories.  Donuts are my weakness so I once made a rule that if I want donuts I have to bike there.  Okay, fine, maybe it causes others to stumble, so if you’re skinny and can handle it, keep it to yourself.  Oops…

Okay guys, get off the computer, go get active, and don’t listen to a word Jasmine says.

Category: Personal Growth | 2 comments

  • Peter Radtke says:

    Well Said Joshy!!!! Love this Quote: “There’s no quick fix and no amount of equipment will change lethargy. “

    • Josh Taylor says:

      Thanks Peety. I was thinking that a new remote and recliner would help me out. You know to watch exercise programs.